My excellent wooden item (a base with pegs sticking out. simple, but i was very proud of it. Sometimes it was painted in rainbow colors.) which was out on the table on display was damaged. I hit the table with my weapon (a "beaver tail" of a thing. long and wide and wooden covered maybe with brown leather) and the wooden item smashed to the floor. I could feel it breaking. the sensation was taste. I could taste the broken wood as it smashed and I ran to it crying out.

I had a dream last night. For part of it I was awake but I was dreaming words and being awake was effecting them. They were evolving. Open to suggestion.

so this one guy was in charge of picking people for the orgy. There were four of us and I was nervous about passion since I had no feelings for any of the other three. Two were men I had worked with and the other, the man in charge, I knew but can't remember how. I went at it honestly the intimacy tempered with my everyday relationships with these men. Later talking to friends and my sister remembering little events from it in that "oh my god" way.

laughing and recounting the events of the day with a friend. how that woman showed up and my friend and I fought over which of us was going to get up and let her in. then I start in with how John and his roommate were likewise arguing over which of them was going to give up their bed so the "grunting woman" could give birth. but it's suddenly apparent that part was a dream I'd been having. and with my friend's confused stare i realize it was a dream within a dream.

dirty water. at one point I was washing with it, my arms, my crotch. out of an orange bucket that stood in the middle of a wooden floor. and I knew it was dirty. fecal waste. germs. sticky brown paper stuck to my fingernail. I scrape at it and catch myself biting the nail. like the paper that is stuck to the sidewalk now from the snow. I saw a man the other day scraping at it trying to get it up. at the end of the dream I rub myself with hand sanitizer explicitly desiring to wake up clean.

A conference/ self help event. There doesn't seem to be enough workers at each how-to segment so we spend lots of time standing in line and keep slightly missing things. My mom & I in line waiting for the tarot event then realizing Monica is missing when we return to the line most of the attendees are heading into an auditiorium for a discussion. At one point mom was in another room--I could see her sitting then later pacing. But I wanted to do the color test. Waiting in line I notice Monica is helping out giving the tests but she is annoyed, wanting to go off into the next room herself, when I arrive wanting her help. It's looking at colors that fit with your skin tone. A man makes me promise never to wear the yellow dress I have on again. Lot's of promises. They'll print out a long list of things they want you to promise and give it to you with a book describing everything about the event in case you missed something in the rush. Finally, we get to the other room & mom is gone. Walking a dirt road searching for her, headed home we run into Phil. He's crying. the new woman has left him & he's talking to a dark haired man. He has to clean up and move out. Wants me to come in and help but I don't.

I had been here before in the summer but now the tide is very high covering the spaces I had walked. I swim in the warm water and darkness past shapes of rocks. I realize I can no longer see my sister and start calling out to her. Her name over and over but not in panic just calling. When I reach the edge (is this place modeled on Coney Island and I've reached Brighton?) and turn back there are other swimmers and it's brighter. These people have mistaken my calls as a response to a drowning. I pass them. There is a ridge of rocks in the middle of the space. Sometimes I swim close almost up on this ridge. The water is so brown. So pleasant to swim in. Phil swims past. I ignore him but feel disconcerted and concerned about the consistency of my thighs as I reach the shallows and stand. Inside I perform a jump-step-up exercise along a low ledge that runs across the room. Later when I desire to swim again I go into the indoor pool room that leads to the water outside and find a balcony of people watching a "drop dead dancing" contest and can't pass through. A group is just finishing up. They wear red flowy costumes edged in white and with a final twist and jump land to applause.

I was telling strangers about my new teeth. I'd had all removed and replaced by a rigid rubber set. In my mouth they felt like they were black rubber; tire rubber, but in the mirror I found them to be white and completely recognizable as teeth. They had been suggested for my night grinding. Actually the plan wasn't for the grinding to stop, I was apparently considered incapable of reform, but for my teeth to withstand. Later I started showing off my new nose. It had also been removed and replaced with a rubber model. While I was thrilled with both alterations, I was more sensitive about the nose. If people didn't like the idea (...and the subject only came up when I brought it up since the prosthesis was unrecognizable as such) or expressed bewilderment as to my reasoning for having the nose replaced, I grew agitated. I do not remember the reason for removing my nose.

phil has been watering plants. I think he's been doing it several nights worth of dreams and only now has this action seemed strange to me. I have realized he has bought more plants; the space where I had kept plants is now full. But he never seemed to care about plants. odd. Why now? Then I'm watering them. Mainly to verify that there are really more.

12/4/02
we were driving listening to the radio. watching the night start to settle in. the country side was green and leafy and the sun settling on it left copper. we needed to talk. we came from a tight community and now the bad guys held it offering to exchange the women for the men. except us. the turns, as we completed them and faced another tall leafy block ahead, worked like a maze. another dramatically lit green surface. another vast and darkening lane. and suddenly we realize we'd forgotten. we'd been lulled into forgetting that we had dropped out of our real lives and were hiding here in this community. they'd give us in. I wake up to the news. Odd, I'm not usually a man when I dream. It was beautiful. All those curves and walls and valleys where we never seemed to arrive. and hitting snooze I sink back into it. i realize why i don't quite recognize the turns. he's not going back. we couldn't go back.

phil, wearing a white button down shirt, came up to me while I was leaning up against the wall reading a magazine and told me he was going to tell me the entire truth about an event. But why? We weren't together then. Then I was sitting on my bed & Myra, my cat, wrapped her arms around me and rocked me back and forth.

I was awake lying there listening to the night when I heard a high moan warbled. "uho uho." then there was this flab flab noise like someone with flippers scrambling up the street. "uho" further away. Then the dog started wimpering in her sleep.

I'm at work and walk out a door with just the right light and notice that there is a walkway I had never noticed. It is a place to store supplies but since it could be visible to customers, it has been obscurred with light. There are boxes and then as I step inside, couches and doors that apparently lead to other parts of the building and I am unsure how the people who see the space from the inside aren't expected to remember it's existence when they are in the store.

a coworker, John, was doing something at his desk, my view of him obscurred by a door. I asked him to give me the email for a friend in China and the phone number of a friend of his who was recently let go and who I miss. Woke to the realization that I will have to ask again when I see him at work.

my sister was involved with my father. i think he forced her to marry him. they'd sleep in bed with my mother (who is in reality dead). i decided she needed to get out so we started packing but i got caught up in packing my things from a glass cabinent. i knew it was stupid there was nothing in there that really mattered...a box of powder i never used. shaving kits. nothing that was so needed that it should be allowed to delay the escape but i packed and packed yelling at myself in my head for being so slow.

myra's foot was broken. cracked in half like a shoe losing it's sole. Apparently the way to fix it was to hold the top part down onto the bottom until it readhered. she and I both pushed on it.

last night
I was babysitting for a family I sat for in high school. Only now they had one kid fewer. I knew they were in the process of removing furniture etc. out of one room intending to separate the girls, but most of the rooms seemed destroyed. And there were dirty dishes in strange places like displayed on the window bench. I took the older girl across the street to watch tv.--that didn't seem strange; it was still part of their place like a city with a river running across it is still one soul. When we got back I suddenly couldn't be sure we had taken the baby with us. Had I left an infant alone? She looked ok. I checked quickly through the house looking for signs that she'd been harmed or had broken something. Came across more dishes. Did they expect me to do them? Decided that I didn't need to tell the parents that I might have left her behind (I couldn't seem to remember if I had left her or taken her but decided to act as though I'd left her.) The lapse in diligence meant my deciding to do the dishes. Luckily I woke before starting that task.

It must be because I saw them yesterday. So I had just left Wendy in a room (I think ultimately they were dressing up in strange hair in there. The length of time... people didn't leave so maybe it was a class.) I went into the connected restaurant. I had sat down at a table in the foreground and had ordered my sushi? when they walked in. Hope that they would leave filled me as I shrank to be less noticeable. They sat at a table by the door. Then I turned my head and on turning back found them at the table next to me. The move was obviously due to the table by the door being reserved since it was filling up with children and balloons but I took it as a hostile act. I threatened. They must have pushed me somehow, a smile maybe, or I just perceived they had. I can't quite grasp what my first action was but the second was the threatened spit in your food.

8/3/2002
I saw a jackalope!!! It was just as I was falling asleep so I had to wake myself up and remind myself to remember. It was larger than a jack rabbit and not really like an antelope at all but I knew that was what it was. A gray color and maybe it had little pink dots.