3-12/11
My house was a mess.  Sitting on the floor in kitchen watching under the heater.  A hermit crab comes out to eat something. A group of small bugs swarms then retreats. The cats (2-- thinner than Ping) come up and attempt to get at something through a hole in the fridge.  I open the small door and find little containers of dressing.  Monica was there giving me cleaning advice.  I drop a glass. Then it's night and I'm outside mopping the street.  There is still snow in places and the hot water melts it but the task is daunting.  I give up when there are too many pine needles. Walking back I run into K. who's drinking with a friend at a table set up outside. He's rather drunk and wearing a white T-shirt. I almost don't recognize him.  He's filling out something for a contest and has forgotten something crucial like his name.  They come back with me to my house where we hang out in the living room.  Later I go looking for K. I wonder if either he or his friend know where he lives.  Finding him asleep on a couch I kiss him lightly on the lips and wake up.

3-4-2011
I sewed the crack between my toes with white thread.

3-2-2011
I was on the phone with John B. walking back and forth in my little house with an opaque blood red veil over my face.  Was telling him my plan to wrap one of my metal snowmen or santa's in lights and put it outside my neighbors window (not christmas though--it's spring.  This was to be an offering to cheer them up.) I find a guy sitting on the porch outside. John falls asleep listening to me.  Apparently the guy who had the house previously had invited people to stay there for some big college hippy party. The hippies keep getting in wanting to stay.  I feel inclined to keep one that it could be an adventure but they'd take advantage. Wendy and I walk up to the part of town where the big party is to be held.  The houses are very grey.  One on Broadway is a shell of a structure.

2-18-2011
Staying at F.  parents with C. who would often walk in on her father in the bathroom. I remembered Myra was there too.  Called to her and she came out with her usual happy meow.  She had a skin diesease that made her skin more visible under her fur and burned in the sun--vampiric.  A vet did a demonstration with another cat who caught on fire.  The vet had sent tests in and felt Myra could be treated.  He commented that so many tests/money spent on Myra without an answer.  C. wanted to go to there summer home.  I was going to go too.  We packed.  She wouldn't let me bring Myra.  She suggested I ask her mom to take care of her.  I consider calling W. to ask her to take care of M.  Decide I ought to go home that it might be nice to just be the 2 of us and that would be better for Myra.
I'm in bed with Mr. F (not in a sexual way) who keeps rolling around pushing me (we are both wearing different patterned navy striped pjs) when C. comes in to say the roads are closed due to snow.

1-20-2011

Visited WP's apartment. I was waiting for him then started snooping. One closet held only 4 large Flinstone dresses/costumes. Another closet, also with a cloth for the door but this one red, led to his parent's house and I remembered that he lived in their basement. After finding this I was feeling nervous about turning on lights. A hallway by the bathroom though led out into the lobby of the apartment building. His apartment had no lockable doors and 2 arches led out into the lobby so anyone could just walk in. I was there with someone else (male) who looked through the fridge with me. We found little packs of women's nightgowns in the fridge. I thought "this is what a bachelor's pad looks like" mentally refuting when Albert had said that about Wendy's apartment.

12-15-10

Had visited a store with F (who kept kissing me.) Was drawing kids clothes when my alarm went off.

#1 distressed denim a subtle navy floral 3 ruffles.

#2 black. tie. dotted.

10-9-10

Saw a documentary movie with Jack. as an unnamed expert. In it the viewer trusts him. At a show/talk work event I sat between G. Smith and Jack who seems like he's going to ask me out. He tells me I owe him $35 for the shirt. I thought I'd paid him! Then he says I owe $50 a month. I mention having seen the film. He invites me to go to a school event. Tells a story about orgasms calming men and how this doesn't happen to him since he doesn't have them. Hinted at childhood drama. I'm distracted by a girl talking to me. Then Jack mentions something a friend of his had said at her coming out party-something about "best cunt on the airplane." The girl & I both try to come up with similar phrases but I get distracted by realization that Jack is hinting he's gay. Turns out the girl is the friend who'd had the party. Later she warns me off Jack--but he seems like he wants to hang out.

2.) She threatens to kill me. I'm alone at her apartment and it's a trap. I'm supposed to walk around and trigger things that will kill me. I realize and go out the window instead. [I don't appear again as me.] omnipotent view of her and Jack and friends in the room bun unrecognizable-younger. She realizes trap didn't spring so all of them use their will at once--building falls with explosion. In her mind it's my fault.

nov. 2010

There had been running & searching through brown rooms. Something about Hitler (he's been in the news.) Then I go downstairs to ask my mom to make pizza. She's sitting laughing in the midst of a posh party. I walk up to her and wake up.

Friends of mine were showing me the rooms they were renting off season from frat boys. Big rooms with wall size tvs. Colette's room had the biggets tv (movie size) it had a setting that gave the image a watercolor look. Her other furniture was a bed, 2 couches pushed up together and lots of folding chairs set up randomly throughout the room.

She walked me down the hall past elevators to "my" room. For a door it had a flowered curtain. Through closed glass doors just beyond my door I could see lots of other rooms in a highrise building where the frat only rented out this floor/section.

In my room there was a rectangular window looking out on fall trees. There was a sink, a strange green plant (there was a strange green feel to the entire room. Old 1970's magazine sun glare,) a refrigerator, and a workbench which had a photo of a lock that was similair in thickness and gloss to my paintings on plastic and a sock monkey teddy bear that I decided I would sleep with. There was no bed and strangely no tv. Despite it being more interesting a room than the others I felt the lack of the tv was a status issue. I discover a back room with a bed, an old tv, 2 refrigerators one right in front of the other pushed out of my way and hidden behind those a snack vending machine. I conclude I'll enjoy it here.

woke because of an excellent song name--"You should finish at 50%." I have no idea what the song was.

I was planning on taking a difficult math class at a school where the cost of the class was equal to the number of students taking it. My class was not popular. Two students=$200.

My mom and sister were convinced I was dying because my hair had gotten curly.

At Smoo's palatial stone house where she displays her art and sculpture. Thor, a sculpture in the lower level comes to life and moves some walls around while we watch from the stairway. Later as we are leaving so tourists can visit, a horse sculpture comes to life and rides out.

I'm running along a busy traveled dirt road so I'm cutting through the yards. The grass is damp and I'm wearing knee length argyle socks. I'm gleeful with this state and realize I'm returning to a favorite new dream house -the house by the water. I break in but as before I am welcomed. I am in the bathroom sitting on the edge of the tub and bathe. I am washing my vulva (the specificity questioned by my real brain of the dream one.) The owner comes in and shows me how to fold up the tub. Spend several days there. Keep borrowing Colette's hand lotion. One day see a lot of helicopters overhead. They're fighting and one hit, falls but lands rather than crashes. The crew is also taken into the house.

I saw them having sex. He was lying on the bed propped against a pillow she was stradling his legs. I suppose I dreamt it because he said they didn't have sex. strangely, in the room across the hall my grandparents were also having sex. I ran back down the hall and the orange flags of my dress flew out behind me.

Sat. April 8th 5:41am. Walking I remember the dream I was having when I woke up: Colette had stepped in shit AGAIN and there was shit all over the apartment. I was trying to clean it off at the same time I was getting a call from my sister telling me that my flight to Australia was set and I needed to be at the airport at 10am and it was 9am...It's disturbing to realize you've been having a recuring dream about cleaning up shit. On the walk I heard 2 guys talking and one was relating a story saying that he'd gotten up too many times and he wasn't sure he could do it again.

Dream about working with designers. I drew some images that one illucidated with other drawings. The other had the items made (there had been discussion of me making all of them myself overnight but I was tired and happy when I didn't have to do the sewing.) 2 drapy shirts, 2 skirts-one long with wide ribbon embellishments. lots of crepe. A kimona/corset that they didn't have silk for so made out of bubble wrap with writing on it. The final item was a shirtwaist (a sudden inspiration I had for what was missing from the collection.) The next day I was wearing it--stiffer than I'd pictured, it was the green I feared the paint for the bathroom would turn out to be.

There were several objects that were supposed to (say by falling asleep with it next to your ribs) take you to a point of dispair where you would discover quiet, solve the problem of the object (say remove it from where it had become imbeded in your heart) and thus be evolved as a person. There was one I considered trying but ultimately they frightened me. Accidentally the one with the sliver of wood at the tip became stuck in one of my fingers. For days I would suck at the spot trying to draw it out. I would spit the "poison" of it out. My mother noticed and tried taking tweezers to it. I took over and pulled the sliver out of my arm which opened up a little hole. Looking inside the red stallagtite cavern I saw that the stick part of the object was inside. I pulled it out in two 5 inch long pieces and searched for bits that had fallen off pulling those out too. The hole was not a concern but I did not feel that the experience had evolved me.

A woman I had taken a class with previously sees me and assumes I'm in her current class. I explain that I'm working at the library but I feel rather lessened. She starts in with her question and I find I'm astonished by her homework. The class is on a dead language written in what looks like lace patterns. The twists and folds of ribbon making the statement.
"No I'm working at the library"
Wandering around I see a guard and 3 people pushing in a door. It's full of sound equipment but looks like it's being used as an office because of an overflowing desk. The people are turning on the music. I'm appalled but they assure me they are dishwashers. There isn't music playing in the library itself and, while I want to turn everything off including the light and lock the door so everything is shut down, I don't want them to come back angry. I discover more rooms. I'm anticipating closing and want to prepare by locking down as much as I can. Several little bedrooms. I'm tired and decide to nap waking up later with a start I wander out into a street where all the houses look the same. After a turn I realize I don't recognize where I am and that the neighborhood doesn't seem safe. I retrace my steps returning to the 3 little bedrooms. Out a window I notice a very skinny man with several missing teeth. There was an earlier part about a coworker doing heroin and I recognize this man as homeless and a drug addict. He's followed by a chubby unattractive older woman. I fear that they live in the library since there are so many unprotected rooms. Someone whispers that the woman seduced the thin man into the life.

a tooth was falling out. I don't fight it anymore. when they want to come out I let them. I imagined looking in the mirror seeing how many had fallen out--felt there were several gone on the bottom and now this one on the top. I am always releaved to wake up.

Lisa had written 2 little books. One a dictionary of cooking had only one entry per letter but they were gorgeous. I flipped through it reading only the final entry. A picture of cars then waves then Southern African Americans walking up to the shore for a picnic. The black and white of the foam receding on the sand. The word was Zuckering and I wasn't familiar with the term. The definition faded into the photo and I couldn't make out all the words so I still have no idea what it means. She included a brilliant recipe for hummus.
The 2nd book started out as a mystery "someone & someone do something" kind of thing. It was also little and full of fashion drawings and photos. The first images showed her & her boyfriend dressing for a series of dinner/dance evenings---------or various attempts to dress for a single evening (it seems that he couldn't figure out what to wear and their outfits needed to match. In most they were wearing complementary ruffly looks. Lisa in a ruffly dress. grey. Him in a darker shaded ruffly shirt. In a few photos he is wearing a shirt of Lisa's since he'd run out of his own to try.) Flipping through I see photos--mostly black and white of runway shows where girls wear long flowy dresses with ribbon backs. I see a hem of chiffon. Yellows over oranges and a crisscrossing of lots of ribbon. Occasionally a photo is in color. A soft bright view of pastel. An image of jackets. But now the book has changed. A blue skirt. A puffed sleeve. It's no longer a mystery and has become a dictionary too. The jackets were a type "occasional jackets" or maybe "diverse jackets" made in the 20's by some tart couturier.
The books were part of a workshop or set of books I was given free to critique. I remember one was a laminated card deck supposed to provide information on either computers or magic which had very poor printing quality. Most were books though and looking through there were only 2 worth anything and they turned out to be Lisa's (or as her name appeared in them "Luciana").

2/14/2004
an old friend gave me an indian dress but she was handing them out (all wrapped in plastic. rainbows of color.) to women because she'd joined some religious cult the hug and hello being necessary for her new role rather than joy at seeing me again. i threw the dress back at her and stomped off to a tower records that now was run like crate and barrel and where i wasn't pulling my weight. (oh but why were they cleaning shelves and repainting so late at night and why work hard at that when i was so sleepy.) then there was a man who while married to a friend of mine (different one. acutally can't place who this one is.) was allowed to have sex with me too. afterwards i had this deep bruise un my chin where my lower teeth are. she felt sorry for me but didn't express it.

SHUSHU/CHICKEN
I come to myself or awaken at the refrigerator. It’s night and the lights are out except for the little one inside the refrigerator. I have the door open and am crouching there in my red felt robe eating raw chicken. Had I been sleep walking or is this how the dream starts? Wendy comes up beside me. Standing I look over the door of the refrigerator through the window beyond I notice a man. He frightens me so I pop back down hidden from him by the refrigerator door. Wendy makes some menacing hand signal and he goes away.
I realize I got the phone message wrong. That instead of saying, “she’d visit soon with ShuShu” Colette had said that “Shushu would arrive soon” which had happened; hours ago the dog had shown up. She must have been hiding in Colette’s room. Did she pee all over the room? Now ShuShu and I are outside. She’s running around and I am throwing bits of chicken (cooked now) into the air.
Over by the lake a group of Chinese people sit on lawn chairs in the sunrise while others dig at vegetables. The menacing man is one of them; just an industrious soul up before me. It’s Wendy who points out that they are Chinese. She’s proud of them for rising so early.
I realize that I got the rest of the message wrong too. Colette hadn’t said she wasn’t coming. She just had to go home and get something so she had sent the dog on and is arriving now.

READING GROUP
At a reading group or a presentation with Lisa. We sit in the twilight at an outdoor table. The organization is bad. All those attending are restless. Moved to another table, this one under cover but still outside, they start handing out material about the books. We notice but don’t comment on how the items brought will not be helpful. Flyers instead of actual books.